Judgement Day in BB house

Group A
Team	Pl	Pts
Portugal	3	6
Turkey	3	6
Czech Republic	3	3
Switzerland	3	3

Group B
Team	Pl	Pts
Croatia	3	9
Germany	3	6
Austria	3	1
Poland	3	1

Group C
Team	Pl	Pts
Holland	3	9
Italy	3	4
Romania	3	2
France	3	1

Group D
Team	Pl	Pts
Spain	3	9
Russia	3	6
Sweden	3	3
Greece	3	0

Teddy - It could have been special

In a bygone era of flat caps and woodbines, a time when not smoking was prohibited in football stadia, the date footballers used to dread more than any other in the calendar was the first day of pre-season training.

Psychotic trainers would go all Brian Glover in Kes and call anyone who didn't enjoy physical punishment a homosexual - probably one with a peculiar interest in kestrels. Summers of drinking stout and playing dominoes would be ruthless exposed in baking heat as lardy left-backs tried to haul their J-Lo derrieres up deserted terraces.

Sadly, the dawn of the Premier League saw six-packs acquired at the gym rather than the off-licence; a turn of events that has rendered pre-season training little more than an opportunity to buff the abs and fine tune goal celebrations.

Fear not though lovers of seeing footballers squirm, for embarrassment at failing to reach Euro 2008 will pale into insignificance on judgement day: The opening night of Big Brother. The cosy world of footballers, nightclubs, conquests and boasts all come to roost as a string of wannabe WAGs audition to become the latest eye candy on a Premier League arm.

But for some footballers, the truly unfortunate, those that have come last in the lottery of life, they'll be that moment of recognition - probably when sat with a current squeeze - when a peroxide Ebenezer Scrooge with nail extensions totters down the stairs and exposes a left cleft before announcing 'You know whatshisface for Spurs - I've had him'.

The simultaneously relaxing and unnerving bird twitter will start and Joe Mott, our Daily Star hero, will be on to his contacts at BB to discover whether Chardonnay is kosher. Either way - despite nine million viewers hearing it too - it's an EXCLUSIVE.

Kieran Richardson was the subject of intense ribbing from his Manchester United team-mates when his cousin Charley entered the house last year. Personally I thought it all a little cruel to mock a young girl clearly still recovering from a lobotomy but then there's no hiding place in the dressing room.

I seem to recall Youssef Sofiane once had his heart broken by a contestant, while Teddy Sheringham was left looking like a wrinkled lothario who should perhaps date ladies of a similar age when then girlfriend Danielle Lloyd's behaviour caused a national outrage/burning effigies in India.

Tom Huddlestone if my sources are to be believed, is currently stepping out with Channelle, who was of course dumped by failed boyband member Ziggy last year in one of the most heartfelt/contrived romances since Romeo went all OTT in Verona.

So, on a night when Chinawhite loses half of its clientele to Channel Four, let's all tune in and look forward to salacious sound bites on England's finest. Fabio - you have been warned....