Press the panic button!

Date published: Wednesday 2nd December 2009 7:49

Let’s see what happens, urges FanZone blogger James Kirk

After losing terrifically for four league games running causing our slide out of the play-off picture, the usual noises will begin to resonate out of the dressing room.

Everyone has heard the same old clichés about working harder etc, but my personal favourite is the one involving a mythological panic button and the lack of pressing of it. I’m sure that Mr Ince and his coaching staff will have that mantra on continual repeat at the moment: “We will not be pressing the panic button just yet”.

This has got me thinking about what this mythological panic button actually is? Where is it kept? Has anyone actually ever pressed it before? Has anything any good ever come after pressing said button? Do you get the Sugababes in to press it?

While racking my brains for times at which it has been pressed before I could only come up with Derby when they were last in the Premier Leaguend lost every game. For them, the button came cunningly disguised in the shape of Laurent Robert.

The only other example of someone pressing the panic button that I can think of was when Stuart Pearce brought David James on up front, instead of an outfield player. That managerial masterstroke seems to be the epitome of desperation and panic.


I am suggesting another course of action for our recently disastrously poor side. Instead of not pressing the panic button I am curious to see what would happen if we did actually press it. I want us to press it! In psychological terms it is called the Act of the Perverse.

It is that voice at the back of your mind that tells you to do something, even though you know it is patently the wrong thing to do – but you do it just to see what will happen.

If we lose the next few league games then surely we will find Messrs Ince and Winkelman rooting around their desks wild-eyed and crazy-haired (well in Winkelman’s case it isn’t possible to have crazier hair) looking for a piece of paper with the code to unlock the box that the button is kept within, tears streaming down their cheeks.

And then once found they will unlock the box, enter the secret code and then loom heavy over the button before closing their eyes and nervously pushing down on it. And then… whatever happens surely it has got to be better than what we have at the moment.

Also when will the FA finally get rid of the antiquated 90 minutes per game? Everyone knows that this is far too long for a game to run in these modern times when time is seemingly so sparse.

Everyone would rather a game lasted 89 minutes giving us back a precious 60 seconds. Someone needs to tell our defence that, as yet the FA are not budging on my proposal, and that matches do last for 90 minutes and more.

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