The Davies workout

Take a deep breath…and begin

Do you make Michael Ricketts look slim?

Has Tomas Brolin ever approached you in an all-you-can-eat buffet and warned you to pace yourself? Worry no more, help is at hand in the form of the Billy Davies workout DVD.

Yes, you too can achieve that authentic Billy Davies look, best described as a skinny schoolkid’s body with the head of a young Alex Ferguson sitting atop it. Just follow the simple steps below to complete the exercises, as demonstrated by Billy himself during Nottingham Forest’s 4-1 loss to Leeds. Y’all ready for this?

Step 1. Pacing

You can go forwards, backwards, left or right, but, and here’s the important bit, you can’t go out of your technical area. This is because if one of your players suddenly decides he’s the next Karate Kid and launches a reckless flying tackle, prompting the opposition manager to furiously run onto the pitch, you will have the moral high ground over him. Because, as we all know, leaving your technical area is a far worse offence than a potentially leg-breaking foul. Obviously.

Step 2. Shout and Point

An easy routine, and fun to do, as well. Point your finger at anything you like, and shout at it in your least intelligible Glasgow accent. It doesn’t matter where you point or what you shout, as long as you give the impression that you know what you’re doing. So, point at your captain. Point at the other team’s captain. Point at the other team’s manager. Point at Lucas the Kop Kat. Point at random fans that particularly offend you, for whatever petty reason takes your fancy. After all, there’s 30,000 of them here, and they’re all here to see you, aren’t they?

Step 3. The double-fisted groinal punch

Bend your legs slightly, lower your fists to groin level and punch forward with both of them simultaneously. For added authenticity, try to imagine you’re punching two Dennis Wises in the face. This vital move is generally used to celebrate a goal, but it can also be a means of venting frustration, or a vain attempt to shock an under-achieving team into action. If things aren’t going your way, just keep doing it and doing it until either the game or your will to live is lost.

Step 4. The warm-down

Racing around like a Tasmanian devil with piles can be physically demanding, especially if you’ve only got little legs. Warm down after the workout with a nice grumble, which should ideally be as graceless as possible. Don’t forget to point the finger of blame at the opposition manager, the opposition players, the opposition fans, the referee, the referee’s questionable parentage, the Yorkshire weather, the fact that the moon is in Sagittarius, and, of course, the Leeds United FanZone columnist. Don’t blame the bloke who got himself sent off, though. That would be silly.

Once you’ve mastered all of this, your next consideration should be your diet. The Billy Davies diet consists almost entirely of sour grapes, which should be eaten by the bucketload, with a great big spoon. Humble pie is also recommended, although you may find it hard to swallow.

The Billy Davies workout is hugely rewarding, but, tempting as it may be, it should not be performed every week. Some crazy people might get the misguided idea that you’re a bad loser, and that wouldn’t do, would it?

If you’ve followed these instructions to the letter, congratulations. Your team’s grip on a playoff berth may be weakening, but you have achieved your personal goal and kept a lot of Leeds fans wonderfully entertained.

What else is there to say but ‘Job Done’?